Like Baby in Dirty Dancing, I so often feel like I'm afraid of everything. Not afraid of losing the love of my life, but afraid of losing myself, or never finding the me that has been sitting inside waiting for me to discover her my whole life, or maybe the me I could be if I looked hard enough.
I'm afraid of being worthless. I'm afraid that being "just" a mom is not enough. I usually feel like a pretty good mom - except when I don't - but I'm a terrible housewife. I'm lazy. I get overwhelmed by the sheer amount of STUFF that is supposed to be done, and who has the energy to even begin when the task is so very unconquerable?
I'm afraid to take time for myself. Because usually what that means in another bath, or another hour or two on the computer, doing absolutely nothing - or working - neither of which really feed my soul. That's something I realized today - that "me time" doesn't just mean time to do whatever you please. I'm lazy, so "whatever I please" doesn't usually amount to something that will enrich me. I'm not saying I think I have to be actively working during my downtime but, well, yes, I guess I am.
I need to strip away my doing-nothing time and find some time FOR me. Not self-indulgently for me, but self-discovering, self-creating, self-enriching. I need to use my time more wisely, to meditate, to journal, to find some kind of peace.
Because I am afraid.
I am afraid that I am raising my children without the knowledge of what inner peace can be. I'm raising them in a happy home, but I wouldn't call it a particularly peaceful home. I need to find myself so I can give myself to them. I need to put on my oxygen mask - not just sit around lazily while the plane crashes - and then help them learn how to put theirs on, too.